Review: My Bloody Valentine 3-D

Ever wonder how many different ways a person can be killed by a pick-axe? This year’s first horror remake (to be, like most years, followed by many other rubbish horror remakes) has that simple answer. That’s really the only meaning you may get out of “My Bloody Valentine 3-D.” Otherwise, you’re in for a lot of mindlessly hilarious fun – even if you’re the stuffiest of moviegoers.

In what seems to be a rehashed “Scooby Doo” plot, “My Bloody Valentine 3-D” tells of the ludicrously named town of Harmony, which happens to be the murder capital of the world. The people who survive the attacks by the stab-happy miner Harry Warden (Richard John Walters) are just stupid enough never to move away. Warden was the lone survivor of a mine accident and after years in a coma he wakes up and kills everybody in the town, with the exception of some dimwitted teenagers named Tom (Jensen Ackles), Axel (Kerr Smith) and Sarah (Jaime King). They’re saved by the sheriff, and Warden’s supposedly buried in the mine and all seems just fine.

Ten years later, the dopey teens have grown up into fully matured morons and are still wasting space in Harmony. Everyone’s seemingly happy until the murders start again. No one knows for sure if Harry has actually returned or if it’s just some copycat trying to re-terrorize the community. Has Harry risen from the dead? Or has someone else put on the mask and picked up the axe for a killing spree? One thing is for sure: this movie is really stupid.

But luckily for its audience – it’s stupid on purpose! “My Blood Valentine 3-D” is a throwback to the slasher films of the ‘70s and ‘80s, in that it hardly takes itself seriously. The script is trash, the acting is hammy, the music is clichéd, and the 3-D is as far from dazzling as you can get but that’s what makes it so enjoyable. The filmmakers never intended to make something new, or highbrow – like “Halloween” or “The Exorcist.” This is more in the vein of cult hits like “A Nightmare on Elm Street” or “Child’s Play” in terms of novelty over intellectual innovation. What the movie doesn’t deliver in substance, it makes up for in bloody, “gore-ific” fun. The best way to enjoy the movie is with a group. This is one movie you are allowed to talk during as it is perfect “Mystery Science Theater 3000”-esque fodder.

The major problem with this movie experience is that it really only works once. The price of the ticket is higher than the usual pocket-emptying charge at the multiplex – a whopping $12.75 for one admission. The movie doesn’t have the lasting power of a novelty horror flick like “A Nightmare on Elm Street” or “Child’s Play.” For one thing, it lacks neither an iconic nor terrifying villain (Harry Warden is no Freddy Krueger and will never hold a candle to Michael Myers).

After seeing this, it won’t be the first on your list to buy when it is released on DVD as it will be way too expensive and won’t come with the theater experience. This is a fun movie, but really only has the power for one (or maybe two, depending on how heavy your wallet is) theatrical viewings. Look for this one a few years down the line in the cheap Walmart $3.99 bin.

Overall, “My Bloody Valentine 3-D” is certainly fun, but will never be known as a great horror flick (or even a good movie). If you have an appetite for blood, and love to see how many ways a person can be mutilated – this is the movie for you. We’ll definitely be seeing a sequel (the end of the movie shamelessly suggests this) so you may not want to miss out if you’re a true horror fanatic. Call your friends, don’t forget to ask for the 3-D glasses and have a bloody good time!

Grade: C+

3dmoviegraded

Originally published in Framingham State College’s The Gatepost

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2 Comments

Filed under My Bloody Valentine 3-D, Review

2 responses to “Review: My Bloody Valentine 3-D

  1. Sean

    I say it today with my father. I hated the ending. I say they should have made the only black guy in town the killer. That would have been sweet.

  2. That full frontal nudity kill scene is a little tooo dirty for my own tastes.

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